Honesty #1

No goodbyes, I pleaded,
And was met with farewells.
I have yet to see the seriousness of life
When it comes to reason.
There have been so many faces,
So many names, yet so little life
Begotten from the countless conversations
And the many verses exchanged.

And when nighttime lingers
And sleeplessness threatens,
What more can a lifeless poet
Do but do. For good-byes took
Away his capacity to be.

Title: Honesty #1
Date: April 6, 2000

I'm with another team now. It is so painful to leave friends who have stuck with you throughout the creases and the downside of life for so many months. All the call center companies I have joined, I am fortunate to have been assigned to teams with people I am proud to call friends, but it is only now that I have the chance to have really stuck out for my team, refusing even to join another company for a higher position and hefty salary. I feel guilty for deciding to move to another team (after all I was given 3 chances to decide) as for the most part it was for convenience. Day shift and no calls. Mostly emails. But I simply had to make this move as it was one way of protecting the team from my performance.

I was turned down - again! - on my application for promotion and among all the applications I've sent to date, the reason for being turned down this time takes the cake! "Agent failed to think out of the box!"

I don't usually take these rejections personally. I have always believed that these tries, the performance and the outcome, are mostly self-driven. You present yourself as a product, make your pitch, if they don't like you, then come again another day! But this recent try is really disappointing. I am not blaming any one for this failure, I just feel frustrated. I remember my previous applications, areas of improvement said, "not confident enough." Next try, no deal again, and they said, "confident but lacked classroom management." The next try, I was actually half expecting the reason would be, "the agent was not wearing green."

I'm frustrated because I can't seem to get it right! Anyway, what the company thought I could be good at would be to join the Cyber Response Team. So now I have to leave my very treasured friends, most especially Alex, Beth and Tess and recent confidantes Joan and Jem (both tried out for promotion the same time I did, both were turned down too. Didn't think out of the box, too?) . It also meant leaving Matits and Lot, two of the relatively new agents assigned to me for coaching - who have surpassed my stats, ha! - who I've watched as nervous wrecks to stat drivers of the team (imagine two straight months of excellent ratings in customer satisfaction, three months of perfect credits, and two months of perfect quality monits!). I have always thought i'd stay with the team but because of the recent development (or utter lack of development), I felt I lost the drive to do well in my work. I know that's unprofessional but I feel burnt out. And with this feeling I might be a liability to the team.

So to my teammates, more importantly friends, sorry if I have to leave. I'm pretty sure, my new team will pale in comparison (but am hoping to make new friends).

Was it Richard Bach who said, Goodbyes are necessary for us to say Hello again?

Lucky

Lucky the man whose car speeds up the aimless high-way
And find no humps, nor holes, nor traffic aides along the way.
Lucky he who drives a car, though with a passenger beside,
And find no accidents, like love along the way, seeking a ride.

Title: Honesty #2
Date: April 6, 2000 (revision done June 27, 2001)

For several days now I have been designated as a nurse (which is ironic, explanation will be given later on) to my partner who was mugged at Espana by a lone 30-ish stocky man with an accent ("Akin na ang silpun mo!"). My partner, for some odd reason, did not bring his cellphone that night and when he admitted this to his attacker, the man did not believe him. Who doesn't have a cellphone these days, he seemed to say! The stupid man, well, I just have to say he's stupid, because my partner offered his cash just to get rid of him. The man refused and if he did accept my partner's offer, he could have bought a new cellphone and that would have been the end of it.

Anyway, I was at work that night. Well, to be exact, I was having my first 15 minute break at the time he arrived at the office bloodied and in shock. A total of five people, 2 receptionists and 3 guards had given a barrage of questions to my partner all wanting to have a scoop. After all, he isn't an employee and they would obviously want to have the story. After telling the receptionist who he was looking for, no one bothered to get him first aid, a glass of water or anything that could have made him feel at least relieved to be in a safe place.

I asked to be excused from work. My partner has no relatives here in Manila, he being from Batangas. As my direct supervisor was on leave, I had to ask someone who could decide on this. Two female supervisors said if they were to be asked, they would let me go, but since we were assigned to another supervisor for that day, I had to ask his permission. I told my story, and he was quiet for a good 5 minutes, typing something on his keyboard, calling an agent's attention on her after-call-work, before telling me that I have to contact my own supervisor and ask for permission. In short, it was a good 30 minutes before I was able to leave and get medical attention for my partner.

Now I said ironic -  well when my partner was recuperating at home from four stitches on his palate, a broken nasal bridge and a very bad black eye, I was stricken with flu. In the end, it was my partner who was giving me a sponge bath, making sure I had taken my medicine on time, and that I was getting well.

 I just had to tell this story because I want to tell everybody who is presently on a relationship to never neglect what brought you together. Before all these happened, my partner and I had a little spat. He said he needed to get away first and have some space (really, when there's a problem on the love front, all they want to be is an astronaut - they want SPACE!) and be free to be melancholic. I told him, well at least be safe so I can have the chance to make him happy again. And this happened!

When I saw him that night, bloodied, all I could think of was that candle I lit and the prayer I whispered a couple of hours before the incident. I said to myself, I don't care about the past prayers I felt were not answered, I'm just grateful the Lord heard that one prayer!

My partner is still in pain, and in shock. Way back in his college days he was convinced that he'll never want to work in Manila because of the peace and order and safety issues. This one puts a nail on that conviction! End of story! But he is getting medical attention. Good thing his brother is a nurse and would get excellent care back in Batangas. As for me, I am recuperating as well. But in shock again, I failed in my 5th try for a promotion.

That's another blog altogether!