I wish I never knew you

and leave the world as is,
and leave the world as is,
and leave the world like a cigarette butt,
burning still, unextinguished, on a pavement
damp from the day's piss.

I wish I never knew you,
I wish I never have known you;
Van Gogh and Pope is in a pointless rut,
bended and unmended by the late night swinging,
swigging beer and then a few.

and see you burn brilliance,
and see you burn with defiance,
and then put words and words together,
solving equations, knowing solutions, and
providing conclusions in a stoic stance.

and throw it all away?
and throw it all away?
this lighted cigar I give you, you throw it all
away; you leave the world as is, unchanged,
because,…now you choose to play.

Title: I wish I never knew you so I wouldn't have to see you throw it all away.
Date: June 1998

Toni read my blog last night and said she's getting the general feeling of sadness in my entries. Five entries, feeling of sadness… how transparent can one get? But that's just the way I am these days. And what's so surprising is I am really affected by that recent application for a promotion. Although I told my Supervisor that "I would like to believe I have a very good mental hygiene to consider this failure as just that, failure, and nothing that could put me down as a genuine person willing to stick my neck out for my teammates," I still allowed myself to, well, grieve! I invested so much on this last try.

Anyway, this blog is not really about that missed opportunity again. It's all about how I am feeling right now with my new designation as a Cyberesponse rep. So little laughter is shared among the new team members and right now, I'm cozy with Tippi and Jen. I thought I would like my new job, or assignment, but I am now missing taking in calls!! Imagine that!

But in that 15 minute jeepney ride home, I realized, I want to be in a new environment. I want to be in a place where nobody would ask me why I am sad or why I am not the usual Dom. I just want to be the faceless Dom for a while…  Well this is the usual Dom! The past so many months, they were seeing someone so rarely given the chance to come out! I am usually melancholic. No, really, I have bi-polar! Either I am acerbic-tongue-long-winding-sarcastic or mockingly quiet!

But lately,..

I

just

want

to

go

away

!!!!

– Although the above poem was published June 1998 in the now defunct "9 to 5" magazine, it was written a couple of months before that. The line was inspired by a line spoken by a professor to Will Hunting in the film, "Good Will Hunting".