Affirmation

STUPID!
STUPID!
STUPID!

Mama said.

i am,
i am,
i am,

Son thinks.

WHORE!
WHORE!
WHORE!

Papa said.

i am,
i am,
i am,

Daughter thinks.

Title: Missed Conception
Date: c. 1993

An old friend updated his Friendster blog today. As you know, when a friend in that social networking site updates his or her blog, a notice is sent to your email. I clicked on the link, and a new tab on my browser opened the blog. Although what caught my eye was a previous blog. You see, my friend is a Family Counselor in CEFAM (Center For Family Ministries) and just earned his Master degree at the Ateneo.

One entry on his blog had this paragraph:

"I have met many families in the three years that I have been in the program. I can no longer remember the names of the members of each family that I have counseled but I still have the lessons I have learned in my heart. My best case this semester may be my best case in my PD program. It was this family that realized that it is easier to complain and criticize members than to give words of affirmation. This has become my advocacy now - to speak more affirming words."  

And so I thought, wasn't that the whole thought of my poem way, way back! Don't get me wrong, I grew up under a very tender and loving family. I never heard any disparaging remarks from my parents nor my siblings (hmmm, that could be the reason I grew up conflicted - I couldn't blame anyone in the family for what or who I turned out to be*). 

The only thing I discovered belatedly was that I didn't know that a joke my Mom told me could leave an imprint in most of my growing up years. She said, although she denies this vehemently, that my grandfather, upon seeing me a few weeks after I was born, picked me up from the bed, and quipped, "This is an ugly kid." 

Trust me, the Tagalog equivalent is much too garish to say. But I took no offense at that time when my Mom recounted it. After all, I was just 11 I think at that time and my Mom was combing my hair in preparation for school.

In fairness to my Mom, she had to tell me that because she had a rejoinder right after the joke. "Your Lolo is mistaken!"

Anyway, things became different when I was in my adolescence. Of course, pimples, body odor, pants you just can't wear anymore because you've outgrown them (but had no choice as there simply is no new pair to replace it with), and a whole lot of changes in the body - unwelcome at it is as it was getting in the way of my playing Jedi action figures. Translate: I didn't want to grow up yet, but it was just too embarrassing to be seen playing action figures while making sound effects (imagine me doing an impression of Darth Vader's voice with this dialogue - indulge me please - :

Darth Vader: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander, I'm here to put you back in schedule.

Commander: But what you're asking is impossible!

Darth Vader: Perhaps you can tell that to the Emperor when he gets here?)

But I digress.

So physically, I was growing old. My mind, however, refused to. So when I was 22 years old, I was actually 15 then. I was still playing plastic toy soldiers. Sometimes I would still play with the Jedi action figures when I'm thinking of a new plot, then had the plastic toy soldiers act it out. And they were such good actors. Would you believe, all of my 200+ pieces of Made in China toy soldiers or tau-tauhan as we call it then, had their own names!!! I christened each one of them!** (I miss them.)

Did you notice I digressed again? Well, I didn't.

Only when my life wasn't turning out right, this was my 23rd year on this colorful world did I think, "Hey, my grandfather was right after all! Pangit nga ako. Pangit na tao!" I concluded, my grandfather meant the whole thing!  My, he was holistic. And this is made worse when you hear relatives saying our grandfather was wise! No chance to appeal my case, then, huh? 

When I turned 31, I had entered the seminary - I had my noble reasons but I learned a couple of months after joining that man could have hidden reasons, too - I had the good fortune - no, I was blessed!! - to take a workshop entitled, "Healing you Inner Childhood."

There, I learned who I was and why I am! I have forgiven my grandfather, more so myself for "unknowingly" been putting the blame on my grandfather who  was never there! I mean, I made him to be there when he's long in peace! Funny because I had almost written a short story about a teen-ager who had a face to face encounter with his "supposedly" wise  grandfather, who's long been dead! 

So who am I now? I'll tell you in ten years.

So when you think about the quoted paragraph from my friend's blog, the words we say to each other can have a very lasting impact to the recipient. Ironic, physical wounds can heal over time, yet the hurt inflicted by the words we say can stay on for a very long time! And when it's remembered, recalled in the mind, that very long time is indeed an eternity for someone hurting. 

_________________

* Regrets, they say, is for poets. I've had mine but not that major. The statement above that said, "I couldn't blame anyone in the family for what or who I turned out to be" only shows that who ever I am today, it was because of my choice, or lack of it depending on who's looking at it, and that it was definitely my life to lead. I just don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm still in the fishbowl, under the watchful eye of the cat!

 ** I promise I'm going to write about my toys soon!

Wimbleydoom!!!

Track: Circle of Friends by Edie Brickell & the New Bohemians

i shall

drift
over the souls that
moved me and
instilled in me
nothing but yearning and
insecurities; i shall haunt them
countless times.

anger is not within me
greed was nothing like me; i
court depression, and i
attract those of no use to me.
over and over, i am
inspired by those
loveless idiots and
imbeciles.

Title: Untitled acrostic
Date: November 24, 1993 @ 11.20 pm

I'm not actually a tennis fan. I'm not into sports. The only foray I had in sports was in grade school when I became part of the soccer training team of San Beda. I lasted one school year simply because I didn't realize we were supposed to practice in summer, too. Natch! I could have been a great full-back! My brothers are all seasoned basketball players. My only interest in basketball is watching it with the hope of seeing a brawl - between teammates! You know, players from opposing teams getting into a brawl is old school. Why not two players from the same team slugging it out? That would be a hit!

Anyway, back to tennis. Last year, I learned who Roger Federer for tennis fanatics. I admired the guy and his humility. So when he lost to Rafael Nadal on the clay court, I got sad but was optimistic that on the grass, he'll bounce back. He did! I was happy. Happier still when I read in an interview this quote from Federer:

"He (Nadal) is a fantastic player and is going to be around for so much longer so I am happy with every one I get now before he takes them all."

The excitement builds up once again because here, you find someone so humble. In my excitement, I did something stupid. Well, I later found out it was a stupid thing to do because of the reaction of the person involved. I searched for the website of Philippine Tennis Association just to drop them an email asking them to bring in Federer, Nadal and Andy Roddick (yes, the ex of Mandy Moore). You know how fans are, they'll simply write to authorities thinking these people gives a hoot!

And this is what this blog entry is all about. I emailed them just so I can have my release. Others would have theirs in chocolate, some in Starbuck, still others in masturbation, or all of the above (not necessarily doing it in Starbucks), mine was to let someone know about how I feel. So I emailed, quote:

"I'm excited because my idol Roger Federer has won the championship again at Wimbledon. Don't you have plans of bringing him over for an exhibition game? Bring Rafael Nadal, too. And Andy Roddick.

Thanks.

It was an honest-to-goodness inquiry. I know it was a long shot, but hey, we're talking about a person who had applied for a promotion five times in a span of 19 months and failed every time. So odds don't bother me! 

Imagine my surprise when a couple of hours later,  I got a reply! My, I was excited. I know, they'd probably say that would be expensive, but thank you for taking the time to email us. Now, let me just refresh your memory, I work as a Customer Service Representative handling emails sent by customers to our client. Mostly it's disputes and I must say I have this knack of delivering bad news in a not so negative way. So email ethics is not something I am unfamiliar with. I was hoping they'd say, you know, very diplomatically, that they can't because that would be asking for the moon, but no! Here's what I got as a reply, verbatim:

"Fyi, bringing top-ranked tennis players like Federer, Nadal & Roddick entails enormous amount of budget even if it will only be for exhibition only. Their tight schedules which normally is prepared well ahead of time by their respective managers and/or private coaches/parents is also one factor which will make the proposal not feasible.

"Why not just try and go watch Grand Slam events like the US Open, French Open, Australian Open, etc ??? Tickets for these tournaments can be purchased thru their respective websites."

Regards,

Loxxx Mxxxxre
Administrative Assisant
Philippine Tennis Association

Ok, I just imagined middle aged administrative assistant laughing their assess off with my email. You know, office workers who, the moment they get to their desk, would kick their shoes under their table and start wearing slippers that should only be worn in the bedroom (imagine red fluffy slippers). Then re-touch their make-up and start gossiping with each other! (Ok, that's utterly unfair, they are not government office after all, but I simply imagined that the instant I finished the email!)  Anyway, I knew how expensive it is to bring international celebrities to Manila. I worked for an public relations firm a few years back and, well we never brought any celebrity here, heck!, we never produced an event at all! So my point is, if we who never produced an event find it expensive, imagine how much it would be if we actually did? (The joke got lost in the semantics, I know, so..)

I never thought they can just douse my enthusiasm like that. So I wrote back with:

"Thank you for your kind reply.

Although I am aware that bringing in top seeds like the three mentioned players entail a lot of money, it was more of a suggestion. After all, in the 80s, they were able to bring in top seed players to stage an exhibition game entitled Fire and Ice here in Manila. At that time, no one told tennis fans like us to buy ticket a ticket and watch their games somewhere else.

You totally missed the point, if I wanted to I can watch them in cable. It was more of hoping that PTA has plans of making public and accessible to Filipinos tennis court titans like Federer and Nadal. Obviously, your sarcasm got in the way of the whole point.

But thanks anyway, your reply by the way is now posted in the internet for the whole Filipino tennis fans to read. Nice job!

Ok, I was lying. I couldn't find a single Filipino forum where I can vent out my disappointment (not at the thought that they can't bring in Federer, but the way it was said in their reply).  So I posted it instead in my Friendster bulletin and here. Or maybe I'm this frustrated because as an email CSR, I'm used to replying with niceties and when I get a reply for an email at that kind of tone.. well, makes me feel convinced that customer service is something Filipinos can give to foreigners but not to the natives! (Hmmm, but if I make a bogus email, used a fictitious foreign name and inquired about the same thing, they'd state it in a very positive way, I bet!)

So there, I sent that reply. An hour after, I got another email from them! In big red, like 18 font size, all caps letters, it said:

GOD BLESS YOU!!!

 Poor girl…. she thought I was picking a fight! 

Yet another dream..

Track: Here Comes The Sun by George Harrison

Dare follow your dream,
Take flight and capture the scene.
Moments are fleeting and so are chances,
So seize this moment and dare follow your dream.
Lead the way and dictate the pace,
Take that step and start the chase.
Go and see, you are meant for bigger things,
So open up your heart, dare follow your dream.
Bring with you courage and strength,
Pay no heed to the journey's length.
Yet, forget not that aside from these, you need one more:
Remember Love, and only Love opens the door.

Title: Dare Follow Your Dream
Date: c 2001-02

The above poem was written for John David (Jhed) Manlises. He's dead. 5 years now. He was a young man when he left us. And that poem was written months before his demise. It was inspired by him. In fact, I remember telling him that I was so grateful for him. Because without him, I wouldn't have been able to bring myself out from a dry spell. You see, before this poem, it was a struggle for me to come up with verses and I was unemployed at that time. So it had been months since I had a decent article or verses strewn together to come up with a, well, poem.

It's but fitting that I find this poem as the intro for this post. I was rummaging through my old verses when I found this poem. I was intending to write about a recent development in the office that led me to dream once more, so I picked it for today's introduction, together with George Harrison's "Here Comes The Sun." At the same time, I was having a YM chat with Elmer, Jhed's best friend (who after the burial had lived with Jhed's family since then), and were talking about prurient things (not ours, by the way) when I simply had to ask Jhed's death anniversary. He said, July 14. 

So now, the poem above has two significance for today's blog. Jhed and the, yet again, the nth time, never-say-die try for a promotion. A new section was created, the Transaction Monitoring Team. 12 Evaluators (TME), all promotion for mainbank's agents, and the Supervisor (TMS) position was opened last week. My teammates in Cyberesponse applied for the TME, I applied for TMS. 

It was weird as an email to my present supervisor said I lacked the necessary requirements. The Transaction Monitoring Coordinator said I failed a Quality Evaluation just last April (which means I'm not qualified). Yet 20 minutes after my supervisor received these emails, a got a text message from recruitment saying my interview was for the next day. And it was for an interview for TME. Then 20 minutes after that, an email came to my supervisor again, this time from another recruitment officer, saying I was lined up for TMS. Weird!

So then my interview came, I was asked by the Head of the Transaction Monitoring for our program, "Why apply for the Supervisor when there are slots for the Evaluators?'

My answer was calculated, I said: "I've been asked that many times. And my answer has always been the same: Why not?"

Whether he liked my Ms. U-type of answer or not, we'll know in two weeks. I'll keep you posted.