Affirmation

STUPID!
STUPID!
STUPID!

Mama said.

i am,
i am,
i am,

Son thinks.

WHORE!
WHORE!
WHORE!

Papa said.

i am,
i am,
i am,

Daughter thinks.

Title: Missed Conception
Date: c. 1993

An old friend updated his Friendster blog today. As you know, when a friend in that social networking site updates his or her blog, a notice is sent to your email. I clicked on the link, and a new tab on my browser opened the blog. Although what caught my eye was a previous blog. You see, my friend is a Family Counselor in CEFAM (Center For Family Ministries) and just earned his Master degree at the Ateneo.

One entry on his blog had this paragraph:

"I have met many families in the three years that I have been in the program. I can no longer remember the names of the members of each family that I have counseled but I still have the lessons I have learned in my heart. My best case this semester may be my best case in my PD program. It was this family that realized that it is easier to complain and criticize members than to give words of affirmation. This has become my advocacy now - to speak more affirming words."  

And so I thought, wasn't that the whole thought of my poem way, way back! Don't get me wrong, I grew up under a very tender and loving family. I never heard any disparaging remarks from my parents nor my siblings (hmmm, that could be the reason I grew up conflicted - I couldn't blame anyone in the family for what or who I turned out to be*). 

The only thing I discovered belatedly was that I didn't know that a joke my Mom told me could leave an imprint in most of my growing up years. She said, although she denies this vehemently, that my grandfather, upon seeing me a few weeks after I was born, picked me up from the bed, and quipped, "This is an ugly kid." 

Trust me, the Tagalog equivalent is much too garish to say. But I took no offense at that time when my Mom recounted it. After all, I was just 11 I think at that time and my Mom was combing my hair in preparation for school.

In fairness to my Mom, she had to tell me that because she had a rejoinder right after the joke. "Your Lolo is mistaken!"

Anyway, things became different when I was in my adolescence. Of course, pimples, body odor, pants you just can't wear anymore because you've outgrown them (but had no choice as there simply is no new pair to replace it with), and a whole lot of changes in the body - unwelcome at it is as it was getting in the way of my playing Jedi action figures. Translate: I didn't want to grow up yet, but it was just too embarrassing to be seen playing action figures while making sound effects (imagine me doing an impression of Darth Vader's voice with this dialogue - indulge me please - :

Darth Vader: You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander, I'm here to put you back in schedule.

Commander: But what you're asking is impossible!

Darth Vader: Perhaps you can tell that to the Emperor when he gets here?)

But I digress.

So physically, I was growing old. My mind, however, refused to. So when I was 22 years old, I was actually 15 then. I was still playing plastic toy soldiers. Sometimes I would still play with the Jedi action figures when I'm thinking of a new plot, then had the plastic toy soldiers act it out. And they were such good actors. Would you believe, all of my 200+ pieces of Made in China toy soldiers or tau-tauhan as we call it then, had their own names!!! I christened each one of them!** (I miss them.)

Did you notice I digressed again? Well, I didn't.

Only when my life wasn't turning out right, this was my 23rd year on this colorful world did I think, "Hey, my grandfather was right after all! Pangit nga ako. Pangit na tao!" I concluded, my grandfather meant the whole thing!  My, he was holistic. And this is made worse when you hear relatives saying our grandfather was wise! No chance to appeal my case, then, huh? 

When I turned 31, I had entered the seminary - I had my noble reasons but I learned a couple of months after joining that man could have hidden reasons, too - I had the good fortune - no, I was blessed!! - to take a workshop entitled, "Healing you Inner Childhood."

There, I learned who I was and why I am! I have forgiven my grandfather, more so myself for "unknowingly" been putting the blame on my grandfather who  was never there! I mean, I made him to be there when he's long in peace! Funny because I had almost written a short story about a teen-ager who had a face to face encounter with his "supposedly" wise  grandfather, who's long been dead! 

So who am I now? I'll tell you in ten years.

So when you think about the quoted paragraph from my friend's blog, the words we say to each other can have a very lasting impact to the recipient. Ironic, physical wounds can heal over time, yet the hurt inflicted by the words we say can stay on for a very long time! And when it's remembered, recalled in the mind, that very long time is indeed an eternity for someone hurting. 

_________________

* Regrets, they say, is for poets. I've had mine but not that major. The statement above that said, "I couldn't blame anyone in the family for what or who I turned out to be" only shows that who ever I am today, it was because of my choice, or lack of it depending on who's looking at it, and that it was definitely my life to lead. I just don't want anyone to get the idea that I'm still in the fishbowl, under the watchful eye of the cat!

 ** I promise I'm going to write about my toys soon!